Wednesday, August 26, 2009

"To Thine Own Self Be True"

I've been thinking hard about the merging of my blog self and my true self, and who I really want to be as a blogger. Who? Who do I want to be? I fluctuate between hiding essential aspects of myself from readers versus just letting it all hang out and exposing who I really am to people.

Today I have decided to just let it all hang out. Hear me roar-grrrr.

I've always guarded and hidden who I really am from many people, in fear that people will not like me or judge me in some way. I am often misjudged by people because I don't fit into the typical box of maybe what certain people might expect of me. And I internalize the self-hatred when I think that people disapprove of me.

The day after I wrote about my caffeine addiction and my little habit about sometimes popping excedrin to get an energy jolt, my boyfriend told me, "Well, there goes your political career. If you ever want to be president, your enemies can dig it up and hold it against you."

Not that I want to president or anything, but I've been thinking about this for a few days. That "what if he's right?" thought has been swirling around in my head. I won't lie that the following thoughts have crossed my mind numerous times: What if someone that I know reads my blog? What if people who already might not like me at work get a hold of things that I write on my blog and use it against me?-(Believe me, I'll get back to this at some point in a future post). What if people who don't like me read my blog and they learn the intimacy of who I am?

Yet yesterday a new thought burst onto the scene. "I just don't give a damn". I don't give a damn. I really don't. I've decided here and now that if I am going to work towards living a healthy lifestyle that I have got to stop caring about what other people think of me and I just need to love myself for who I am. And I do love myself and am tired of hiding who I really am.

So here I am, the true me. A workaholic, a woman, an idealist, a big-hearted woman who is both tough and emotionally frail at the same time. Me-sometimes often outspoken and obnoxious, while other times quiet and reserved. A curious blend of liberal and conservative all wrapped up into one woman. A walking contradiction full of passion and love. Fiercely independent, yet strongly dependent upon intimate connections with others. Me-healing, growing and learning.

My true self-love it or leave it. And I love it.

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