Wednesday, September 23, 2009

I'm Feeling Very Overwhelmed Today

Today is one of those days that I am feeling completely overwhelmed in my life. I can't shake this sense of frustration.

For over an hour I searched online for health and well-being books, hoping to find something that will help this feeling that I carry around that my life has gotten completely out of control. Yet all I could really find was some lame self-help books, or books about dieting and weight-loss. Yes, I need to lose weight and I need to diet. But I feel that there is something so much more problematic in my life than that. I think being overweight and unhealthy are just symptoms of a larger problem.

I can't quite put a finger on when it seems that my life started falling apart. When I look back on my twenties, it just seems like it was one big decade of self-neglect and self-destruction. And work, work, work. I've achieved a lot in my life, in both the financial realm and in my career.

Now I have everything that I want-a nice house, tons of money saved, a new car, a great boyfriend, great friends... I have everything that I want. But now I am looking back at the past ten years, looking back at that huge gap of time that is missing where I let my whole life fall apart because I was too busy working my ass off for what I have now. And now I want something more out of my life.

I'm thinking back of all of the doctor's appointments that I canceled because of work. Not to mention all of the vacations that I stopped taking also because of work. All the missed dental appointments, exercise appointments. All the time that I was too overworked and burned out to go shopping for some nice clothes, shoes, or makeup. The many times that my car or something in my house just completely fell apart because I didn't take the time to do the small maintenance on it that would have immediately solved the problem. I even bought a beach house in Mexico that I have owned for a couple of years and have only visited a few times.

Once again I am walking down the same damn road that has gotten me into such a screwed up mental and physical state of being. I took two weeks off of vacation and effectively canceled my out of town vacation. I've been off since Friday and I have done NOTHING productive, and I actually feel more tired that I did last week when I was working.

You should see my house. You would be horrified at the mess that I actually live in. Luckily, my boyfriend has taken it upon himself to try to help me clean it up and get out of the funk that I am in. I'll have to take a picture of how very messy the house is, but I am a little embarrassed.

How am I supposed to take control of my health and weight when I can't even fix my damn car when it is breaking down? How am I supposed to lose weight when my life has spun so far out of control that I am too scattered to even go shopping for groceries? The funny thing is-if you were to see me at work, you would think that I am one of those people who has it all together. You would NEVER suspect.

I know that I must have depression issues, but I just want to get over it the natural way and not by having the doctors give me medicine. I want to heal myself through the food that I eat as well as exercise and getting my physical surroundings clean and in order. The only problem is that I am so overwhelmed I don't even know where to begin.

But I'm gonna beat this. And believe it or not, I feel much better just by having written this.

1 comment:

  1. Really good post tonight because it is so honest. I understand your feelings of being successful in all the areas of your life except your personal life. For me, it seems like I can set and achieve academic and career goals, etc. but I cannot keep or achieve personal goals such as losing weight. I think it is easier to set these other goals because taking a good look at yourself is a painful process and it is easier to deflect to other things. Right before you mentioned depression issues, I thought to myself, "she sounds depressed" so it is a strength that you have this insight. I think the best treatment for depression (not that you asked!) is talk therapy and medicine. Of course, the blogging is a great outlet because it is like keeping a journal. Also, when we feel out of control, we try to take control where we can. It seems like maybe work is a way for you to have control because on the inside you have a lot of conflict going on. What do you think?


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