Initially I wanted to start walking again and training for some sort of marathon, and I hoped to write about it on my blog. But lately I have realized that my issues are much more complex than just writing about walking and losing weight. My whole life is sort of out of control, and has been out of control for quite a bit of time now. And there is just no way that I can lose weight and be healthy if I don't start trying to address some of these issues first.
As I mentioned in my last post, my house is out of control. It's surprising that my finances are not out of control, but only because of the easiness that online banking affords. I've been known to pay many bills late and my finances would also be out of control if I weren't able to log into online banking and pay all my bills in less than two minutes.
I have been neglecting everything about myself for quite a bit of time now.
To illustrate this point, I bought a car over a year ago and I still have failed to put the license plates on the car. A couple of months ago, I moved the license plates inside of my car and they are probably under the back seat somewhere. And I have just realized that I have never paid my car registration for this year, which expired at the beginning of May, and now I probably have to pay a fine for being late. Well, so goes my life story.
Another example is that I have lived in my house for over ten years and I have hardly done any upkeep on the maintenance of it. About two years ago, the dish soap rack fell off the shower wall and I have never even replaced it. Around that same time, I also took some of the grout off of the shower and vowed to replace it. Which I haven't. Every single time that I take a shower, I imagine that the water is probably seeping down under the bathtub and probably rotting the floor.
I have lived in this house for over a decade now, and I have not bought one major thing for the house other than a coffee table and a side table. Everything else was bought for me by my mother or given to me from my father. I want to pull my hair out because I think that it's about damn time that I take time out to make this house my own! Can I please just have my own couch and paintings on the walls??
Clearly I must be depressed, because that's the only explanation I can think of.
I rarely clean the house (except yesterday--I cleaned for five hours, trying to get my life back in order!). I rarely buy any new clothes or shoes for myself, and I literally wear something until it is no longer wearable anymore. I haven't gone on vacation in years-and I used to love to travel. Instead of vacation, I work, work and work. In fact, I work so much that my life has become out of balance because I would rather work a fourteen hour day than take time out for myself in order to have a vacation or relax.
So I am taking a break from trying to lose weight and I am going to just focus on cleaning up and fixing my environment. In the meantime I am going to try to eat better, sleep better, and exercise. But at this point I am so overwhelmed that I just can't do all of it, and I've got to focus first on my immediate environment because I just can't live like this anymore.